March 2, 2009 (61/365)

Introspection: I was listening to 80s music tonight, and it reminded me there was a time when I didn't have depression. 19 years of nightmares aside, I've only been depressed for about 8 or 9 years now. My personal philosophy has always been "if my body can't take care of itself, it deserves what it gets." It's kept me away from doctors for about 40 years. It's also been a fairly successful philosophy. Tonight I weakened. Tonight I'm almost ready to get help, and I feel guilty for that... and it makes me feel a little like a failure. But I'm just so tired of it. It also dawned on me that the philosophy might not be the only thing that's kept me from seeking help. I think it's possible that I may sometimes use the depression as an excuse to not accomplish some things that I really do want to but am afraid to face (or face the results of). If I were to suddenly lose the depression, I'd lose the excuse.