Janauary 30, 2009 (30/365)

I've been noticing a disturbing personality trait lately. Having a friend or loved one be short or have attitude with me drags my mood right into the toilet. Sure, having something of a reaction like that is normal, but my emotional response has been greater than I think it should be. I get angry and aggressive. Not violent mind you, I'm too controlled to get anywhere near that. I don't enjoy being ill-tempered, and I don't like the idea that my mood can be so easily manipulated, unintentionally or no.

January 29, 2009 (29/365)

Studio tonight was a 6 hour frenzy. It's strange how sometimes I get so focused on the work that I don't really think about anything else. It's also a strange dance I do there. Because of the way my luck works, everything fights me... any little thing that can go wrong, will. It has to be accounted for in every step. But sometimes, when I'm in the groove, it just becomes part of the routine. When I stop to think about that, it kind of pisses me off. Imagine what I could accomplish if things went as smoothly for me as they do for the average artist.... how many more pieces I could get done... how many more I could get done successfully.

January 28, 2009 (28/365)

Hemingway apparently wrote the short story:

For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

Brilliant and creative... everything I'm not tonight.

January 27, 2009 (27/365)

I often have difficulty looking people in the eyes. It's a failing, I know. I know what the general consensus is about that, the general negative connotation. I can fight and overcome the problem through force of will, but it isn't easy. As Sensitive as I am to people and their emotions, it's a hundred times stronger when looking at their eyes. Think of what it would be like to try to take a drink from a fire hose. That's what it feels like, the force I have to overcome. I can, and do when I need to. I suppose it's not a big deal. But I wish it wasn't so difficult.

January 26, 2009 (26/365)

I thought of something good to write about on my way back from the city tonight. Unfortunately, I left it somewhere between the 294 Tollway and the Barrington Rd exit. If anyone finds it alongside the road, please return it to me. I'll post-date it.

January 25, 2009 (25/365)

My poorly-suppressed anger at people in general continues. [lengthy, pointless whining deleted. Honestly. I don't even enjoy reading it.]

Almost posted something about the weather just to fill space, so I'm just going to cut this one off. 'Nite.

January 24, 2009 (24/365)

I've really been down on humanity lately. I'm not sure, but it probably has something to do with going out in public and being around people. Common sense has been replaced by irresponsibility. Courtesy has been replaced by entitlement. All within the space of a couple generations, and that's not good. This is the kind of evolution that will eventually lead to our self-destruction and, honestly, I'm not entirely sure humanity shouldn't just be put out of its misery. I'm not sure we, as a species, deserve to continue existing.

If I could just see some fairness in the world every day.... No, that's not accurate. If I could just see more fairness every day than I do injustice; if I could be surprised by someone's courtesy, honor, or selflessness more often than once every six months or so, I might change my mind and begin thinking perhaps we deserved to go on. But the odds of this are so mind-boggling, they verge on being simply impossible. And that's sad.

January 23, 2009 (23/365)

Ways in which British TV shows are better than US TV shows #45: In the US show, the priest would just mysteriously re-contract leprosy. ("Aaaw, how sad.") In the UK show, the priest gets his skin sliced off him and left in a bloody pile at his feet in a gay sauna.* ("Hold fucking shit!")

*http://www.tv.com/apparitions/episode-one/episode/1239366/summary.html?tag=ep_guide;ep_title;0

January 22, 2009 (22/365)

Work ran four and a half hours long tonight.

Is "cluster-fuck" one word or two?

January 21, 2009 (21/365)

The press and many of the politically-savvy aren't really aware, I don't think, of the depth of the effects the past 8 years have had on them. They've all been directed for so long to focus on the bottom line that that's all they can still see. Anything short of the "most effective" (ie, "most profitable") is scorned and poo-poo'ed. Hence today's media wringing of hands over Obama's.... make that President Obama's first-day decrees. They were:

-Strict new limitations on political lobbying.
-Salary caps on White House aides.
-Mandatory consultation with the US Attorney General and White House council before the president can withhold information from the public.
-The revocation of President Bush's Executive Privilege act.
-Restrengthening of the Freedom of Information Act.
-Planned closing of Guantanamo Bay prison camp.

None of the usual quagmire of the economy or the middle east... the "important" issues, according to the media. They've lost perspective of what "important" is.

Meanwhile, I couldn't be more pleased.

January 20, 2009 (20/365)

I had a leisurely lunch at Panera* today with a handful of art magazines. Today I did not have my eye on inspiration but was contemplative about "Art" and how it fits into my craft. Here are the two conclusions I came to which I actually thought were significant enough to jot down on the spot. Looking at them now, they seem like no big deal, but at the time they felt weightier. I suppose that recognizing these "true-isms" could make me a better artist.

1. There is a richness, randomness, and authenticity in "found" materials and objects that I cannot match by making something from scratch. I can only display, enhance, or incorporate it, hopefully to its greatest effect.

2. Nobody wants to look at a "single piece" unless they're in a museum. If you want to attract people who are interested in buying, you have to tantalize them with the promise of variety.

*Though I don't eat there often, I love Panera. That alone dooms them to commercial extinction, but it's probably the little bells and whistles, that set them above other similarly priced restaurants, that will probably also eventually lead to their financial ruin. While they're just a step above fast food, they make a nice sandwich. They bake their bread fresh daily (and have a respectable bakery), they provide free WiFi, and they keep a portion of the restaurant set up with comfortable couches and chairs around a fireplace. You can lounge about, eat your meal, read, and relax. I'm sure these frills aren't at all cost effective enough in this cut-throat day and age, but I really wish there were more places like this. I don't feel like I'm just supporting their bottom line when I eat there, and that feels good.

January 19, 2009 (19/365)

Somewhere a monster is hiding from me. It hides somewhere that I'm incapable of seeing ...like in an invisible backpack that I'm unsuspectingly wearing or by making itself a color that I'm blind to. But I can sense it. It never looks away.

It's waiting for me to do something that will cause it to strike. The problem is I don't know what that something is, so it could happen at any time. And that makes me paranoid and afraid to do anything. Even my brain shuts down. I'm petrified.

Somewhere a monster is hiding from me. It has something terrible waiting for me.

January 18, 2009 (18/365)

I'm in a bad place tonight. Everyone in my life is "off" today, and I don't have an eggshell-sympathetic personality. My head isn't compatible with complex thinking ...like tying my shoes, getting the cap squarely back on the milk, or assembling interesting sentences. I'm just in the mood to mindlessly focus on making something, but I don't know what and haven't really had the opportunity all day. (+Motivation. -Inspiration. -Opportunity.)

January 17, 2009 (17/365)

[begin]

A man charges wildly down the street with no care for those around him. He runs like a man on fire, a closeup of his face reveals panic inflamed by fear wrapped around a single thought: Get home. He reaches the steps of the inconspicuous brownstone, nearly wrenching out his shoulder when he grabs the handrail to spin him in a tumble up the stairs. If it weren't for the forward velocity you'd see him shaking visibly now as he crashes through the door, drawing a deep breath that sears his throat and lungs like acid.

The angle changes and we see, from the inside, from the end of the short hallway, the broken door behind him recoiling from the wall... bits of the window glass falling from it to the floor. But he's already past them, nearly leaping the last few feet to the kitchen doorway on the right of the hall. The breath released in a wail as he entered the house, "Dad? Dad??" He loses his balance trying to make the final turn at full speed, barely keeping his feet under him as he disappears from our view into the kitchen.

For a moment, all that can be seen of him is a shadow cast by the harsh kitchen light into the hallway displaying, in a macabre shadow-theatrical pantomime, his sudden, flailing stop. He recoils backwards from the kitchen as if he'd unexpectedly charged through a door into Hell. Finally losing his footing in the sudden retreat, he hits the hallway wall opposite the kitchen door hard and slides to the floor in one motion that is everything but smooth. In his tumble, his gaze never leaves the vision before him while his memory is written with it in fire; his body limp and jaw slack as if every once of energy left in him is spent, in that one moment, in preventing his life from draining from him.

"What have you done, dad?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??"

[end]

January 16, 2009 (16/365)

As I mentioned on January 6, for me to be successfully creative requires these three aspects in large and equal parts: Inspiration, Motivation, and Opportunity. I have to have an idea to work on, the urge to work on it, and the time and place in which to work on it. I've almost always got one of these flowing wildly, like the blood in a porn star's penis (no, I have no idea where that came from); sometimes I have two of them. (Aspects, not penises.) On the rare occasions where I'm sporting all three, things get done. Otherwise, not so much. Tonight I've been turgid with inspiration and opportunity, but I'm lacking that certain something to extend me from "I should make this" to actually working on it. It's immensely frustrating... essentially creative blue balls. I go through some combination of aspects like this every single day. I should have graphics for this blog of little gauges to show where these aspects are from day to day.

With apologies for all the odd penis references....

January 15, 2009 (15/365)

Jeezus H. Tapdancing Christ, it's currently 47 degrees below zero and still heading down. I've been housebound for days and, as usual, it's starting to effect me. I hate feeling trapped inside. Ironically, it makes me feel less like doing things around here, not more.

I feel like this is a throw-away post. It's not interesting or even particularly thoughtful. I suppose some will be like this.

January 14, 2009 (14/365) #2

I suppose this could be considered a whine. Feel free to disregard it and just move on.

The past day or so I've been suffering from gluttony. The biblical definition, not just the popular one. I want everything, I want a lot of it, and I want everything to be big. And the part of this that I think makes it more of a sin than a mood or a weakness, is that I'm ok with it. I'm indulging it... even reveling in it. I feel almost crazy. It's probably a damn good thing that it's 30 fucking degrees below zero outside, or I'd have gone to the mall and spent myself broke. I'm also relatively frustrated as I'm not surrounded, ass-deep, in the harder to get things and the ethereal things that I can't just go out and buy. (Like I said, I want everything.) This will probably pass, though I don't yet care.

Don't that just sound shallow as hell.

January 14, 2009 (14/365)

I'm not an iPhone hater, quite the opposite, but there are a lot of them out there. Some of them are malicious. It occured to me today how such a person might wreak a little destruction. Ya'see, one of the attractions to the iPhone are all these little "apps," little software widgets and applications that do everything from show you a pretty picture slideshow to telling you what the weather is in Zimbabwe. Were one wishing to be destructive (and, strangely, I'm not), one could design a fake app. I give you.....

iScale
iScale is a virtual scale application for those watching their weight, which applies the iPhone's pressure sensitive screen technology to tell you your weight. Simply start the app, place your iPhone on a hard floor, and stand on it. The iPhone will display your current weight!

Yeah.... There's some stupid people who'd do it.

January 13, 2009 (13/365)

The time is approaching for me to choose a new cell phone. I'm a detail-obsessive, anal-retentive picky-ass. You can just imagine the hell this is going to be for me.

Yeah, this is earth-shattering stuff.

January 12, 2009 (12/365)

I'm usually fairly fixated on sexual topics. It's just the nature of who I am. Today I am more so than normal... momentum-killing distractingly so. Whatever I'm doing will come to a grinding halt at the first sign an attractive woman or anything else of a sexual nature. This post itself has taken nearly half an hour because the TV is playing in the background. Strangely, I'm ok with this. The latest catch phrase these days is "owning" it. No problem. I'll own this.

Those who wish to point and decry "shallow" need not comment.

....unless you have nice tits*.

*Oh, come on... it's humor.