April 29, 2009 (119/365)

Frightening Realization: It's disturbing that most of the things that keep me stable are things I can't get regularly.

April 28, 2009 (118/365)

Want is a frigid, sadistic bitch, and I'd kick the living piss out of her if I could.

April 27, 2009 (117/365)

You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

No One Is To Blame - Howard Jones

April 26, 2009 (116/365)

I'm inventing a new word/title: Soul-Ally. V. is mine.

April 25, 2009 (115/365)

I've felt like I belonged somewhere else all day, but I don't really know where that might be. It's an "out of place" feeling. Like I'm someone other than who I am. I've been thinking about multiple personality disorder lately and wondering if I might be headed for something like that. I realize it's a detrimental condition, but I wonder sometimes if it might not be nice.

April 24, 2009 (114/365)

Give her red hair, and Ali Larter might make a decent Mary Jane Watson-Parker in the Spider-Man movies. I think my preferred actress is still Charisma Carpenter. Kirsten Dunst is just not good in the role.

April 23, 2009 (113/365)

My carefully planned presentations always degenerate into oral ramblings. I hate it when I do that.

April 22, 2009 (112/365)

It's unsettling and/or unfulfilling to be creative and not like the things you end up making.

April 21, 2009 (111/365)

I wish Z. was right and I could be paid for what I'm best at. It's sexual discrimination really.

April 20, 2009 (110/365)

I love waking you up from your nap. Because in that barely awake, reality-hasn't-sunk-in-yet state, you smile like you're still in love with me. It makes me cry.

April 19, 2009 (109/365)

Last night ended exactly as I feared it would. Road to Hell... good intentions...

April 18, 2009 (108/365)

Having friends who are "users"* is really a drain on my ego. They make more than casual contact only when they need something from me (which I always accommodate), and when getting together is important to me but not them, they bail out at the 11th hour 100% of the time. It's infuriating because it hurts and sad because I consider them my friends and get slapped in the face with the realization that we don't consider each other friends on the same level. Their excuses may be legitimate or not, but because the situation is important to me and not them, they don't bother making preparations/adjustments to their schedules to make it. If I didn't so desperately need people to help me keep my emotional balance, I'd [deletes something unnecessarily rude, instead choosing] just distance myself.

*A user in this respect is not drug related but someone who bases social interaction with others on what they can do for them, essentially, using them. It's not malicious, that's just how they're wired.

April 17, 2009 (107/365)

My fucking psyche.... I've been so beaten down for so long that the mere thought of something good happening to me scares me. When I have mental images of good things happening to me, I flinch like I've been burned. I can't dare allow myself to become hopeful or enjoy the ideas for even a moment. That way lies pain and disappointment. Always.

Pretty fucked up, huh.

April 16, 2009 (106/365)

I can feel myself screaming just below the surface tonight. The impulse is there, but I'm always able to hold it down. Still, I can visualize it and hear it in my head. It's born of frustration. When you stand on railroad tracks, you know you'll eventually get hit by a train.... yet I keep stepping onto the tracks hoping for something good will come of it. Am I crazy?

April 15, 2009 (105/365)

Wow, there's a strong pressure in my ears tonight, and they're ringing. It's off-putting.

No.... no, I've got nothing else tonight.

April 14, 2009 (104/365)

I can feel "bad" nipping at the edges of my psyche again tonight. I think it's because I have so many things I need to get done soon and so many more I want to do (in many cases, want to do instead). I am making a sincere effort on one of those many fronts tonight. I've needed to get this book laid out for too long, but let the little graphic stumbling blocks stall me.

I've also realized in the past couple days that I'm having to sensor what I write here because it's an open blog, and I don't want some people reading some things that may be on my mind. It has the pang of restriction.

March 13, 2009 (103/365)

When those little voices inside your head start talking to you, listen to them. Especially when they tell you to stay home and work, or watch TV, or pick lint out of your navel instead of going to visit someone you'd like to see but who the little voices say will only bring a string of circumstances the likes of which would make the Keystone Cops cringe in disbelief.

Lesson learned, little voice, lesson learned.

April 12, 2009 (102/365)

I realized something today. I dread holidays... with a neck-sweat-trickling passion. And it's because on the holidays I'm expected to trek the 3.5 hours downstate to visit my family. Today was once again time for the reaffirming that I'm the disappointing freak of the family. ... the misguided son ...the irresponsible sibling ...the useless father. They never really say it, but it's written on their faces and between the lines of their smalltalk.

I used to like holidays.

April 11, 2009 (101/365)

Special circumstances here. I was out til 3:00am and had to get up at 7:00am. No writey.

April 10, 2009 (100/365)

I'm really not handling late nights very well.