March 30, 2009 (89/365)

Tried to explain to K. tonight what happened to me on Friday and why it's effected me the way it has. I don't think I was able to make him understand, maybe because I'm not sure I fully understand it myself. He applied the same logic that I tried to, but it just doesn't fix anything. All I know is that I'm not going to be able to just "get back to normal." I'm changed. I'll either evolve into someone I haven't been, or I can try to be what I was. But if I go that route, knowing what I know... having experienced what I have, the "old me" will be damaged inside. The story of Pandora probably applies here, but her box wasn't opened by accident.

March 29, 2009 (88/365)

2 days out from the "big awakening" and I'm still fucked up. Part of my brain is trying to push my psyche back to the way it used to be. The other part is telling me how naive and pointless that is. I feel insignificant and ineffective, and I wonder if I need to change myself fundamentally to be the person I want... the person I thought I was. I just don't want to feel like I did Friday night again.

March 28, 2009 (87/365)

Post-traumatic stress. What am I supposed to be?

March 27, (86/365)

Just the right combination of emotional switches inside my head and circumstances outside my head tripped last night and I'm traumatized. I feel ridiculous and fake. People who probably know better would tell me I shouldn't, but I do. I thought I was just climbing out of a social hole; if this fucks that up, I'm going to be pissed.

March 26, 2009 (85/365)

I forgot what I was going to write about tonight. Dammit.

The studio closes for 10 days for spring break starting tomorrow. Someone needs to take away my shoelaces.

March 25, 2009 (84/365) 2

AIG buzzkill claims first victim.

Jake DeSantis, an executive VP at AIG whines that he's being causelessly villified and is taking his ball and bat (and giant paycheck) and going home. With the party over, all the cheese puffs eaten, hookers passed out on the living room rug, mom's good china broken, and the cops banging on the door, it seems like the job is just no fun any more. Poor guy. Well, at least he'll get one last giant tax write-off since he's giving his own personal $750,000 bonus to charity.

Um, no. We'll be wanting that back, thanks.

Douchebag.

March 25, 2009 (84/365)

Good Idea/Bad Idea.
Good idea: Commercial glass installer wants to drum up repeat business.
Bad idea: Doing it by driving by the customers' stores at night and throwing rocks through their windows.
(The sad details.)
On an intellectually-similar note, two girls in the studio last night were trying to decide if the Great Depression happened during the 60's or the 70's.

Bleach for the gene pool, stat!

March 24, 2009 (83/365)

Pictures are of unusual importance to me lately. The photo shoot with V. turned out quite well and made her happy. And tonight L. sent me pictures of my work with her on Saturday which made me quite happy. (Her too, I'm pleased to say.)

March 23, (82/365)

I'm so fucking jealous of V. and Z. I could cry. They're perfect for each other. They live life. Life lives me. No, I'm not making any sense. That's probably for the best.

March 22, 2009 (81/365)

Line for a future poem:

She's a playground, and I have skinned knees.

March 21, 2009 (80/365)

ok, I get one other caviate: I'm also not going to post if I don't get home til 6:00 am.

....Christ, I'm too old for that shit.

March 20, 2009 (79/365)

I'm a paradox. I'm a bad person who cares too much about other people. I want things. And there are things that I would do if I were alone in the world, yet I don't do them because of the caring for others. I end up angry either way.

March 19, 2009 (78/365)

A brief visual:

Young children, perhaps 5 or 6 years old, crying hysterically, as helpless children do. They would tug at your heartstrings.... if they weren't also frantically tearing someone apart like frenzied sharks.

I creeped myself out.

March 18, 2009 (77/365)

(I would have posted this last night but couldn't figure out for the life of me why the page wouldn't load. I thought there was a problem with my cable connection. This morning I remembered I'd turned off my javascript last night thinking it was interfering with some pages I was looking at. I forgot to turn it back on. Dopey me.)


Nancy Grace and her ilk are pissing me off. She's not a reporter or even a news anchor, she's a grandstanding sensationmonger. She spends hours ...hours... on the biggest news network in the world, harping on the minutia of the latest hot child abduction case. She trots out any tiny detail, legitimate or solid as smoke, and shoves it under the magnifying glass of the cameras until it appears crucially important. It's not just the media sensationalism that grinds my gears (we've been barely-tolerating that since Geraldo Revera crawled from the slime), it's that she, and all the others like her, seem driven to "break the case." Like it's her job to investigate ongoing cases above and beyond the proper authorities. She rails like a televangelist at how the authorities aren't jumping at the same shadows she is. While poor, poor little [insert name of currently missing child here] goes unfound or unavenged. Well she'll step up and champion that child because, obviously, no one else is.

These are headlines from her CNN-hosted web page today:
-"Breaking details in the Caylee murder case: Prosecutors release e-mails and videos to the tot mom's defense team. What evidence do they hold? Will these videos be released to the media? Nancy Grace has the latest developments at 8 & 10 P.M. ET."
-"LATEST: 7 PM ET - WESH is reporting the owner of the land where Caylee Anthony's remains were discovered [has put it up for sale.]."

In a similar vein, Headline New's afternoon host, Mike Galanos, yesterday announced that they would interview some politician or corporate board member and "get a confession out of them." For these people it's not about news any more, it's about breaking the case. Listen you delusional, self-important windbags, let's leave the investigating to the people who should be doing it and get back to reporting the news instead of trying to make it.

And unless Nancy Grace feels like going to the training academy and joining the FBI she needs to leave the "investigating" to the professionals and devote her efforts to something more suitable to her obvious skills, like shilling products on the Home Shopping Network.

March 17, 2009 (76/365)

Was out very late enjoying "chaos day" with V. and her friends. Saw her new house. Got to exercise skills I haven't used in a year. Boy did that feel good.

Tired. Bed.

March 16, 2009 (75/365)

I wish I didn't have a headache tonight, I'd feel like writing more. I'm going to devote what little capacity I have left tonight to making notes for the Champions game reboot. No, I don't expect anyone to know what that means.

March 15, 2009 (74/365)

J. got a wake up call this year, and I'd probably feel bad for her if I wasn't the alarm clock. One year ago last Christmas, she was in the hospital with a fairly serious, weight-related condition. I supported her, encouraged, helped directly where I could, and played cheerleader. To no avail. She didn't care enough to make the necessary changes. (Sure she "cared," but her weight didn't change significantly. So draw your own conclusions.) One year later (this past Christmas) she was back in the hospital with related ailments, this time even more severe. This time, after another month in the hospital, she's taken aback by my standoffishness. I have a hard enough time bringing myself to take action without being slapped in the face by the feelings of futility and pointlessness. For Christ's sake, her life is threatened because she can't drum up enough motivation to lose weight. Why should I try harder than she's willing to... again. If I can't motivate her enough to fix her life, she needs to find someone who can. .....or let herself continue deteriorating due to "fear" and ambivalence. Just don't be mad at me for my lack of enthusiasm.

And thus I take one more step towards complete isolation.

March 14, 2009 (73/365)

I've been sorting through the gigantic mess of my music files. Music has always been unusually significant to me. I associate almost every song with a particular time or situation and more often than not they conjure up feelings and emotions from that time/place. Many of them... from happier times... make me feel good. If I was smart (and felt like slogging through literally thousands of songs), I'd collect all of those to use as some kind of music therapy.

March 13, 2009 (72/365)

I have a tendency to put off writing these pearls of wisdom until very late when I'm too tired to remember anything profound that I thought of earlier in the day. This is such a day.

March 12, 2009 (71/365)

I'm getting petty in my old age. I wanted to rain self-righteous vengeance down on some no-name student douchebag in the studio tonight the likes of which would make the authors of the Bible crap their pants. Not that the assbasket didn't deserve it, but I would have gone waaaay across some personal boundaries just to make myself feel better.

Fuck, it would have felt good for about two and a half seconds.